finish every day and be done with it.
you have done what you could.
some blunders and absurdities no doubt have crept in; forget them as soon as you can.
tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.
this day is all that is good and fair.
it is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on yesterday.
it has unknowingly been playing in the back of my mind ever since my friend brought you up. now, all the nostalgia inside of me is curious to know who you are and what you’ve become. i don’t know where you are, who you’re with or what you’re doing but i miss you. maybe it’s my heart wondering. it’s the fact that i can’t contact you because perhaps, if we still remotely stayed in touch, i wouldn’t be as caught up in this as i am right now. as they say, you only miss something when it’s gone. i learnt that the hard way.
it’s the burning curiosity. i have no way of knowing and you have no way of knowing. i just want to know, because to know that somewhere along the lines in my life, my past, someone was one of the most important people in the world to me and for them to become non-existent is such a strange concept for me to grasp. how did that happen? things change but how did we get to that? to here? it’s saddening. it breaks my heart because it’s deeper than the curiosity, it’s like my memory isn’t enough proof to know that it happened, that you existed. it’s wanting to blindly be back in those happy moments with you but of course, not being able to. i asked myself, how could i admit that none of it matters anymore?
it’s so easy to fall in to the trap of thinking the past made for a better time. my memories have become so distorted, warped in to remembering how happy and beautiful life was when it wasn’t. in the end, what i thought was logical - to open up those old wounds, to seek you out - only tainted good memories and upset me. strangely enough, i forgot that people changed because for some reason, i think, hope, that people will be exactly as i remember them to be. you’re not the same person anymore and you’re not who i wanted you to be. that’s my fault. i became delusional. no one, not even i, am the same person anymore. that was just me trying to hold on to something that’s not there. it’s me having to face the truth. it’s me having to accept the past for what it is, no more, no less.
let me ask you, do you know me or do you think that you know me? do you know what i’m thinking? do you understand me? do you know what i go through? do you know me or have you instead built up this image, concluded and assumed your own version of who i am and what my life is? i wonder, am i living up to your expectations? am i being who you want me to be? am i disappointing you at every wrong turn? am i losing your respect?